Finding My Way Around the Bend


Yes!  How great it is for me to look  out my window to view a beautiful setting, drink a cooler,  and listen to my favorite music while I write!  I find myself getting side-tracked by old Motown tunes  or Gary Moore blues as they work their way down my MP3 player I have playing in the background.  I swear the beat of Motown and the sway and the sexiness of blues never leaves me!  So what does this have do with writing, you may ask.

It’s not that hard to answer, and I do it gladly without remorse or regret.  For the last eight months I have been reestablishing my life after a marriage sadly ended, my job failed, and I was forced to move from the home I love. For the first time in years I found myself really alone in a new world, far from what I had loved and had known.  Oh the anxiety attacks I suffered, the tears, the “what if’s” and the unknown future that kept knocking every time I had to write a check ,make a decision on my own,  and fix my computer that always seemed to cause problems! I hated all of it,and resisted what was around the bend for me, even though I hadn’t a clue what was waiting for me!

“Baby steps” is what my therapist recommended-that,  and some damn good  anti-anxiety pills.  Okay, so I did it…  slowly… resisting less everyday.  I have had moments of pure euphoria when I learned on my own how to post my picture on Facebook, and  download my pictures from my camera to Picassa.  It is empowering to know I can do what needs to be done if no one is available to do it for me.

The next step was more of a leap than a baby step. It was writing again. In my last post I wrote how my husband and I fell in love while we both fell in love with writing.  To write without my best friend, my beloved, was a thought that froze me.  As time has passed, I have remembered  that the reality was actually that we had stopped sharing our writing years ago, with only occasional tries and no success.  We never had an ending to our story, and ironically that was the ending of us.

Taking a deep breath, I have started doing some Internet marketing, writing again on the novel I had started years ago, and started this blog.  I have also joined a writing group that I have yet to actually gone to, but it’s a start.  I promised the leader of the group I would definately be at the next meeting this Wednesday.  Hopefully I can come up with a way to use the two words he has given for us to spur us along in anything we choose to write. “Baby steps”keep rattling around in my brain.

My mind is clearing.  The fog is lifting as sure as it does on the lake I look at while I sit at my desk.  My view is beautiful, and I am finding my way through it with the help of “baby steps”, friends, family, and words that have been taken out of the moth balls.  My husband is still my best friend, and I pray for him that his view gets better as well.  He was a hell of a writer.

So,my writer friends, don’t despair if the words don’t come to the page, or sentences don’t jive or jiggle.  Don’t beat yourself up; it’s there, despite the obstacles. I have learned to listen to the silence, because in silence comes great strength and insight. Let the words come to you in their time.  Just relax, kick your feet up, and soon you will feel empowered to write the words as they want to come.  No anti-anxiety pills are needed, but a good cool one might not hurt.

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8 thoughts on “Finding My Way Around the Bend

  1. hey, cindy, great post. it made me nostalgic for when we were in a writing group together all those years ago. glad you are still writing and now blogging too!

  2. In Carl Sagans’ movie, Contact, Dr. Ellie Arroway, renowned physicist and radio astronomer, has been searching for intelligent life for many years. When she finally takes the seemingly dangerous steps that lead her to the answer, she encounters a father-look-alike, wise alien being. She pours out her heart to him, telling him of all she wants to know and experience. His answer: “Small moves, Ellie, small moves.”
    He goes on, ” You’re an interesting species. An interesting mix. You’re capable of such beautiful dreams, and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you’re not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we’ve found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other.”
    So, dear Bobby, the really dangerous thing is not taking those small steps, not going on, not searching…and we’re all right here next to you, searching and stepping alongside.
    Love,
    Ili

  3. Dearest one – how easy it is for us, on the outside, to stand and point in the right direction and say “go that way”… when you are standing in the shadows unable to see the path.

    You alone have made courageous decisions this year… you have actioned those decisions… in the face of anxiety and fear… Sitting at your window relishing your progress seems just the first of many rewards coming your way.

    You have and continue to inspire me.

    Love

    Chi

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